Mother’s Day Can Be a Blessing or a Curse

Mother’s Day is approaching.  It is an exciting time for some, and a dreaded time for others.  Dreaded because of a painful, disappointing, or frustrating disconnection with your mother.  And while having a disconnect with your mother can be discussed at any time of the year, the pending Mother’s Day celebration brings it front and center for all of us. 

1.       The Most Important Relationship

Your relationship with your mother is one of THE most important relationships you’ll have in your life.  For most, your mother not only raised you, but she is the one who gave you life: carrying you from the time of conception to your birth.  For many, she helped take care of you when you were a child and did everything to give you the best life possible.

If this wasn’t your experience growing up, this time of year might be sad, confusing, or even depressing.  With all of the focus on Mother’s Day, you might be questioning why you still have unresolved feelings of anger, rage, bitterness or resentment towards your mother.  You might be thinking that something is wrong with you if you still having those feelings.  You might feel that it’s time to pay attention to that relationship.  You might also wonder if anything in that relationship can change. 

2.       Some People Can’t Relate

One of the challenges in talking about this issue is to deal with those who have a completely different relationship with their mothers. 

These are the people who feel that their mothers are “the best thing since sliced bread.”

They can be confused by a discussion that says someone doesn’t get along with or feels disconnected with their mothers.  They don’t understand because it hasn’t been their experience, or they haven’t seen a mother/child relationship like the one you might have had.

It’s ok.  If you are one of those people and are listening, then be sensitive to the reality that everyone’s relationship is different, and you might realize that you do know of someone whose experience matches what I am sharing.

One of the things I’ve found is that many people are not comfortable sharing their negative experience of their mother with others, especially if the other person has such an obviously loving relationship with their mother.  Some people think that it may mean that you don’t love their mother, and that’s not the case.  Usually what has happened is that they love their mother so much that they are deeply wounded because that relationship hasn’t been loving or kind to them. 

If you have dealt with or are dealing with this disconnect, honor your feelings regardless of what others think is right or wrong about it.

3.       What Does The Disconnect Look Like?

Women who have a disconnect with their mother experience different things.  It may look like you are dealing with:

• She always judges who you are and what you do. 

• She constantly belittles and criticizes you. 

• You can never win with her.

• She isn’t available to you.

• She prefers anyone else but you.

• She didn’t protect you from people who hurt you. 

• She chose her boyfriend or girlfriend over you.

• She wasn’t there and abandoned you.

• She’s not willing or will not listen to you. 

• She refused or refuses to support or care for you. 

• She was verbally or physically abusive to you. 

• She was totally indifferent to you or what happens to you.

• She treats your brothers or sisters much better than she treats you.

• She doesn’t show that she loves, cares for, or is concerned about you.

If you've had any of these experiences, most likely you feel that you can’t win with your mom.  The only way to get past it is to focus on healing yourself so that you feel whole.  Then you can face your experience with your mom with a different perspective.

4.       How It Feels

You don’t know that it is possible for you to have a relationship that is loving, supportive, caring, nurturing, and easy.  You may believe that if your mother didn’t love you, then ‘Who else would love you?’  This causes you to struggle.  It is a quiet struggle.  No one would ever know you were struggling unless you shared it, or if they were able to understand what your behavior was saying.  What you’re dealing with is something that is so silent. 

This disconnect or breach feels like:

• Constantly questioning yourself

• Feelings of unworthiness

• Doubting yourself

• Mistrusting others' motives without cause

• Low-grade Depression

• Guilt and shame about her lack of love

• Anger towards those who don't understand

• Rage towards others without being provoked

The most important thing is that you know what is going on and how this conversation impacts your life.  It is also important that you have some tools that allow you to make changes if you decide that that’s what you want to do.  You don’t have to.  You can keep dealing with the same things over and over again until you decide that enough is enough, or you may decide to never deal with it.  You may spend your entire lifetime wondering what it is or was about you that just didn’t click with her.

5.       The Impact

Sometimes we don’t think it is a really big problem because we’ve always dealt with it so we think that’s just how she is. The pain and uncertainty from this experience makes a BIG difference in how you show up in the world and in life.  It makes a difference in ALL of the relationships you are involved in, including other family members, children, friends, community, employers/employees, or clients and customers.  ALL of your relationships are impacted by this disconnect with your mother.

The impact this has on your psyche: 

• your deep-seated perceptions of yourself

• what you’re capable of

• how you represent yourself

• what you think about yourself

• what you think you deserve

• how you allow other people to treat you

• how you love yourself or others

• how you do or don’t accept love

• what you think you are worthy of

You can change how you see yourself.  You can love and value yourself.  You can have more confidence.  You can stand in your own power.

It might be scary, but it is doable.  Not only that, but your life is worth it. 

6.       Death Doesn't Change How You Feel

You might think that death is the end of it. That once she’s gone, you don’t have to deal with it anymore.  But my experience with my clients and with people who I’ve talked with about this issue is that death ends your exposure but may not end the emotions that you carry as a result of the relationship.

When your mother is older, you may be the one who has to care for her. If you haven’t addressed your feelings about how she treated you earlier in life, this will derail everything you have going on in your life.

7.       Call To Action

If this resonates with you, or you know someone who has had these experiences, then use the link below to grab a seat for my masterclass, “Is It You or Is It Your Mama?”. 

It is possible for you to:

• Heal this breach so that the negative impact of this relationship doesn’t continue driving the direction of your life.

• Love and value yourself.

• Feel better about yourself and your life.

• Have more confidence.

• Stand in your power.

• Stop sabotaging yourself and your life.

• Be the best person that you can be.

• End the persistent doubt of yourself, your abilities, and your value/worth.

• Have better relationships with people in your life.

• To stop the continuation/repeating this issue through your next generation

• To feel more at peace.

Now is the time that you allow yourself to heal this unhealed wound. 

It’s up to you to decide how much you are willing to transform the life you have right now so that you have peace and freedom in the future.

DETAILS:

Is It You or Is It Your Mama?

Thursday, June 4, 2023 @ 8pm-9pm

(reposted from May 2019)

Shhhh. Get Quiet Enough to Hear

As we close out 2022 and gear up for 2023, this is a time when many of us are in deep reflection. Throughout the month of December, you might be contemplating a year that hasn’t been as productive as you had hoped or has had a significant number of challenges to deal with or has just been disappointing overall. Or, it could also be that your year has been full of excitement, adventure, love, growth, and opportunities.  

For many, the new year signals a fresh start. So you might also be entertaining thoughts about what to do in the coming year that is new or different, the adjustments that must be made to reach the goals that you want to reach, and the resolutions you’re planning as a way of committing yourself to a specific objective.  But, to ensure that your thoughts, goals, resolutions, objectives or plans are viable, true to who you are and reflect your deepest values, you must get quiet enough to hear. 

Quieting is the process of becoming still and orderly; and being free from distress or disturbance. It can happen in a lot of ways: such as when you pray or meditate, or it might take a combination of both.  It happens when you sit still long enough to contemplate your life, what has happened throughout the year, what is happening now, and what you want to see happen in the future.  You might be one of those who only calm down when you are asleep. For you, sleep is the channel for the silence that allows you to really hear the message(s) your life is sharing.  For you, the stillness of the dream-state allows the ideas and clarity of thought to come through.  

It can be challenging to find the time to be still in the hustle and bustle of life.  Most people are doing what needs to be done to keep things going and all the balls in the air.  This means you’re working every day, taking care of the children, spending time with your spouse or significant other, visiting or spending time with or taking care of your parents, going to church, doing community service, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, taking care of the yard, scheduling (and going to) doctor’s appointments, dropping kids off and picking them up from their activities, traveling here and there, watching your favorite sports team, binge-watching your favorite TV shows, or getting lost in social media.  On and on and on it goes.  No doubt about it, you’re doing a lot.  

The busyness of this life can make it hard to sit still long enough to really pay attention to what's going on with your life at a deep, more conscious level.  So much time is spent in movement that you may miss the signs that inform you that something in your life needs to be addressed. 

Despite the busyness, you could still seek answers to various questions you may have about life: 

• What does this (event, experience, habit) mean for me and my life? 

• What should I do next?  

• What should my next move be with this company?  

• Should I stay at this job?  

• Do I need to move to a different location?  

• What would I really love to do? 

• How do I manage this relationship? 

• What’s the next stage of this relationship for me? 

• Why am I still single? 

• Do I need to tell this person off? 

• Who gets the benefit of my time?  

• Should I go back to school?  

• Where do I need to focus on?  

• How can I make more money?  

• Who will take care of me if I get sick? 

• Do I need to be closer to my parents? 

Day after day, week after week, month after month, and now at the end of the year there are still so many questions cycling through our heads at any given time. In my experience, to get the answers that really resonate with who you are, you must be quiet enough to hear what is coming to you. If you can consistently carve out 5, 10, or even 30 minutes each day in quiet contemplation, you will get some good, relevant, and perhaps even surprising answers.  Whatever time you allocate to this process, trust that the answers from this state of awareness come from the still, small voice within you which reflects the truth of who you are at this point in your life.  All the voice does is answer the questions, what happens next is up to you. 

What will next year look like for me? If you are quiet enough to hear, you will find out.